Off the back of my worst weekend league finish ever - 8 miserable wins in a row to leave me silver 1, an agonising 1 win from my 2 player picks on Thursday - I punted a few untradable rare golds into the Premier League Upgrade SBC and received my consolation, and then some, from EA. When the light blue waterfall of TOTS flares went on in the tunnel I was a little confused, having never seen them before. But when the Belgian flag came up I knew what was coming and I felt a wave of ecstasy pulse out from my chest as the card became visible and De Bruyne lurched on screen imitating a T-rex/velociraptor for some reason.
I had to try him out straight away so he went into my pretty average team alongside base Pogba and behind base Heung-Min Son and my red pick Martial from a couple weeks back. First game in rivals division 7 my opponent disconnected immediately, clearly intimidated by the Ginger genius. Second game De Bruyne got his debut goal, the first of many to come, by being first to a rebound and slotting it in. Didn’t get too much of a feel for him in this game because of an early rage quit but it was noticeable how much he was sprinting up and down the pitch, determined to be involved and it was a neat finish.
The third game is when he was truly unleashed. With only two minutes on the clock he pounced on a pass at the back, took one touch to get a sight of goal past the defender, then curled it into the top corner with a power finesse from outside the box. From that moment on, it was the Kevin show. He was everywhere on the pitch: intercepting passes and tackling in my half, then suddenly teleporting forward to receive (admittedly hopeful) through balls beyond the opponent’s defensive mids, contorting his runs to evade the opponent’s defenders and the laws of physics then distributing the ball effortlessly or pushing it between the back 2 to make a chance for himself. When play slowed, he found space on the edge of the box to take a punt from range. But to call them punts would be a disservice, so precisely targetted were his missiles. In the end, he scored 5 of my 6 goals, all of them works of art.
He was almost too good in games to come. He feels like he was transported from an earlier, arcadier Fifa: maybe Fifa 14. It’s becoming difficult to use the players around him, who now feel drunkenly sluggish. If you’re lucky enough to get a hold of this card, you won’t be disappointed. And if you’re somehow sitting there with a couple million coins, sell your team and buy this guy. He could be the only player on the pitch and you’d still win half your games.
Pace - Probably the fastest player I’ve used
Dribbling - Physics-defyingly agile. As responsive to your thumb movements as your fingernails
Shooting - Press O to score. Scored every kind of goal with him: low driven, finesse, long shots, tap-ins. No complaints
Defending - Good tackles and interceptions. Reflexes, agility and pace along with High/High workrates mean he’s always back in time to put pressure on the opponent in your own half
Missed a couple interceptions he should have reached
Once you get this guy, you’ve completed the game. Now you have to go back to the real world