Player Review

Hello, one and all. Have you missed me?

I know it isn’t creative reviewing the same player every year, and you would rather some other person who actually critiques the player within the game, so you know where to spend the small fortune of £20k, but alas, if you have even made it this far, welcome.

I normally start with a diatribe about the state of the game, about how bad the gameplay is, the op players, Dembele, etc, but I thought I would sprinkle this in throughout instead.

As you know full well by now, people in FIFA 22 are divided into 2 camps. Rats, and non-rats. If you use French players, you are basically admitting you want to take responsibility for passing the plague to us (Don’t @ me with all this “the rats didn’t give people plague, it was the fleas” rubbish, its an loose analogy). Lest you dare corrupt us most pure of heart, with our Morata’s and Weghorst's. Though shall not submit to Mendy, Mpabbe, KIMPEMBE, Fekir (Christ) and the Rat King.

So, Dybala. I was fortunate to afford him straight off the bat, and power through many, quite frankly embarrassing players. Every year the player base loses a few more brain cells on the core fundamentals of the game, but for this year, we were treated to the dreaded finesse outside the box shot. It really ruined my clean sheet hype. Winning 6-1 isn’t half as satisfying as 6-0. Dybala is what he has always been, an agile, responsive, sometimes clinical shooter with an eye for a pass. Even through EA’s poorly veiled attempts to render the Y ball obsolete, apart from those maddening defense splitting passes that dissect the very core of your center backs. 79 composure is one thing to keep an eye on, as he does tend to ‘shank’ some very presentable opportunities. Much like a man getting treated in the local pub WC by a very generous acquaintance he bonded with over a pint of Aspalls cider, and instead of accepting the invite to continue the festivities round at their house, with a cup of tea and a ginger nut from Waitrose, turns around and informs them “ tbf, I probably need to get back, I haven’t finished my 7 div rival wins this week yet”. SHANK.

Fine, his attributes:

Pace- Slower than Dan James

Shooting- Much better than Dan James

Dribbling- Quite a bit better than Dan James

Passing- C’mon, does that even need saying

Defending- Worse than Dan James

Physical- Both are as weak as bread soaked in the tears of the 10 year olds who have grinded for months to reach the FUT qualification games, only to lose all 9 games with an aggregate score of 43-2.

Overall then, would I recommend using Dybala. Let me create a flow chart to help you decide:

Do you use French Players- YES- Get lost, and don’t forget to downvote the review, Ta x

Do you use French Players- No:

Do you have a basic prem team with Son- Yes- Reassess your life goals and get back to me

Do you have a basic prem team with Son- No:

Do you want to have fun while using players that EA provide us through the various promos, that are more niche, and not necessary meta, but enriches your overall enjoyment of a game, which, lets be frank, is a chore 90% of the time- No- Revert to question 1’s answer.

Do you want to have fun while using players that EA provide us, that are more niche, and not necessary meta, but enriches your overall enjoyment of a game, which, lets be frank, is a chore 90% of the time- Yes- CONGRATS, Dybala is the sexy man for you.

I hope I have successfully wasted a couple of minutes of your time today, but before you go, I implore, nae, Beg you take a quick look at my profile on Futbin. I say account, but it is more akin to a shrine to the mythical beast Michael Tonge. If you have wasted this much time, watching his fulminating strike vs Sheffield Wednesday surely isn’t too much to ask.

Goodnight, and God bless (all none meta abusing French players)