Imagine this: You are playing Division Rivals. All is well. You have a front two of Jesus and Werner, because of course you do, and a back four of Regulion, Rudiger, Gomez and Wan-Bissaka, again, because 'who else?'. You match some guy who still thinks multi-league hybrids are cool. Easy work, you think to yourself. But then the game begins. 1,2,3-nil down by half time. Bish-bash-bosh. The fuck? Who could've done this to me? Well, I'll tell you. It was me. Well, not me. Him.
Him? Who's him?
Giovanni Simeone. Son of the second most dramatic man in world foorball, Diego, and the reason you have just experienced a seismic faux pas of believing you could stop him. He can, has, and will again do it all. Poaching? Bam. Dribbling? Bam! 3* Stepovers? Thank you mam. He is an unstoppable tyrant, a whimsical force of nature so obscene that he will have his possessor cackling with pitying, maniacal excitement. He is strong. He is quick. He is lethal. He was formerly classified as a WmD by the US Military. He links to Dybala. He smells like elderflower. His skillset knows its bounds and breaks through them until there are none. He should not be this good; 84 Rated Inform ST costing 12k? Best card in the game. By far.
But what about Haaland? Lukaku? M-my precious W-Werner?
Pfft. Discard them. Rid of their existence. Pretend you know not of them. You only know of Simeone now. The sheen of his excellence will never have you un-clench your tightened grasp of him. He is symbiotic; soon you too will be compelled embed him into every team, play him in every match, and score 3 in each because that is what he does.
Buy him. Join us. Win, win, win.
- Best card in the game.
- Guaranteed at least 1 G/A per game.
- Has 99 Finishing with Chemistry Style.
- Can play him in a team managed by his own dad, which is cute.
- Only costs 12k.
- Can't really pass well, but who cares when he can do literally everything else better than anyone else.
- Other players can have him too.
- Maybe too handsome.