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At 2:00 a few days ago, I received an email from an apparent Nigerian Prince. His English was broken, and there were many grammatical errors in his email. I felt the sheer panic and urgency of his situation conveyed in the words. His situation was dire. He needed my personal info in order to successfully complete a negotiation between Nigeria and Chad. If the deal were to fall through, the countries would once again fall back into a gruesome fighting like that of 1983. I had to act. I downloaded the multiple apps off of the app store that he suggested. I installed all of the applications he needed onto my computer. I gave him a PDF of my passport. I even sent £5000 to one of his addresses in Mumbai in Amazon gift card codes. But it wasn't enough. The conflict was escalating every couple of minutes. The situation had become violent. In the final email he sent to me, he attached his PayPal and urged me to send him £5000 more. But I didn't have the money. I replied with the following words: "Your Majesty, it is with great sorrow that I inform you I have no money left. I have given you all I have. I hope my efforts have not been in vain, and I helped in your dire situation. My sincerest apologies." This was my last contact with the Nigerian Prince. I read the Daily Mail the following day, expecting to see a sign of conflict between Nigeria and Chad, but there wasn't anything in the paper. Maybe my last quid had stopped a potential war between the two nations. I went about my day as normal, but with a sense of pride. I had prevented a war.
When I arrived home from my job at ASDA, I powered up my PS4, expecting to play COD. But something happened: the retro style icon of FIFA 21 caught my eye. I was lured to it like a moth to a lamp. In my ears Ennio Morricone's "The Ecstasy of Gold" started playing. I couldn't prevent myself from scrolling to the game that gives me no enjoyment. I was entranced by FIFA 21. I clicked down on the X of my controller. Nothing could stop me from playing FIFA. Things would be different this time. There would be no DDA. There would be no input delay. The game would be good. I arrived at the main menu. My Ultimate Team club was staring me in the eye. I had to click. The previous nights events were leading me to FIFA 21 Ultimate Team. The screen shone with the box confirming I was indeed connecting to EA servers. I went to the squad page. My team glistened with a full Bundesliga squad. I remembered the rage that Live FUT Friendlies: Managerial Masterpiece had given me in my attempt to get Niederlechner a few days previous. I went to the squad selector screen. I deleted every squad I had. I created a new squad and titled it, "Nigeria". I was hit with an explosion of sound from "Good Energy", or as I have since renamed it, "God Energy". I went to the market screen. My fingers were not touching the controller any longer. I was controlling FIFA with my mind. My mind went directly to the nations filter. It went to Nigeria. I mentally hit search. That's when I saw him. My Nigerian Prince. Samuel Chukwueze. His pace: perfect. His shooting: perfect. His passing: perfect. Everything was perfect. I bought him for 15,000 coins. "Surely his price must be a mistake", I said to myself. But did I? No. The voice had come from everywhere, yet it came from nowhere. I had started hearing angels, I had become a prophet of God himself. Was this what death felt like? Had I eaten something for lunch I shouldn't have? Am I high? These questions would soon be answered, for emerging from his card was Samuel Chukwueze. He came out of the screen and picked up a controller that I hadn't been using. He told me, "you only need me."
My heart started beating rapidly. I was in the presence of the lord himself. I couldn't control myself, I reached out and touched his Nigerian muscles. I went back to the squad, and I tried adding Samuel, but he wasn't in my club. Of course, I hadn't sent him to my club. I sent him to my club and added him to my team. Samuel took control and with only him in the squad we went into a division 1 rivals match. I wasn't in division 1. We started the match and upon seeing my opponents team of Mendy, Varane, Gomez, Allison, Walker, Kante, Rashford, Mbappe, and Neymar, among others, I realized I wasn't even in the game. Chuk hadn't added me as a guest. It was apparent why when the match loaded up and we only had one player. Obviously you can't have a guest if you only have one player on the team. Sam kicked the ball forward off kickoff, as you can't kick to yourself. But something happened. The ball went in my opponent's goal. Sam scored from kickoff. My opponent paused, intending to rage quit, but Chuk didn't let him. He banged in goal after goal. After 90 minutes the score read 12-2, because obviously Rashford will score. It's a given. I fainted as the game ended. I woke up at what appeared to be 2:00, and checked my phone. It must have been a dream. I checked my email, and saw a message from an apparent Nigerian Prince.
Jesus Christ himself had bestowed upon me his blessing. Every night, my prince would emerge from the screen and get big dubs for the club, only for me to faint from overexposure to manliness. Samuel Chukwueze is God, and I am his loyal disciple.
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