Player Review

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening one and all.

In this dark, bleak period of human history, we all need a

morale boost. Something to make us feel an emotion which has been sadly lost,

joy.

While the world battles, with varying success, against

Covid-99%, I wondered, why could there not be a virtual Covid, one that struck

down those who fundamentally ruined the game of FIFA 21.

"The devs, the devs" I hear you cry. Alas, while they

do have their insurmountable amount of flaws, the devs are not the ones who

need to be bumped off.

I introduce you to the meta players. While there are pro's who

use full legends teams, which is acceptable as they are earning £30 for winning

a tournament set up by EA, there are those who use meta players, and still just

scrape 14 wins per weekend.

To start with, let us inflict Gomez, Mendy, Pope, Neymar,

Mbappe, Rashford, Walker, Dembele, VARANE. These cards are a scourge against an

already flailing mentally weak populus. Lockdown forces people onto FIFA, and

by the end of it, are more damaged than before.

So rise with me, infect those virtual cards, and all those

gamertags that would seek to ruin every weekend, and still end up being truly appalling

at the game. Either that, or make them play with a non meta team as penance. I

can guarantee they would rather die, which says it all, doesn't it?

Onto the main course, the hauptkers, of this review. Mr Sami

Khedira.

I have been a loyal servant to Khedira ever since his transfer

to Juventus. As a person who builds Serie A squad after Serie A squad every year,

he has been a stalwart of every team. Well, every one apart from this FIFA.

This is because he is a Tank, and a poor one at that. Let me illustrate the

Khedira of the past, and of the present, with two lovely descriptions.

FIFA 14 Sami- Prime Khedira was a full on murderer of 1000's. He

was the tank moving through Tiananmen square, relentlessly approaching, and

squishing, any protester in his way. He did not suffer fools, or a mass peace

protest, lightly. He could fire a long shot like a kinetic

energy penetrator. Nets were busted, hopes crushed, and it made me happy.

FIFA 21 Flat as a pancake Sami- Even now, I am fighting off the

waterworks, such is the pain I feel when using this card. No longer the crusher

of revolutions, Khedira is now a solitary Ice cream van, parked in a very

inaccessible and exclusive spot in a local park. Surrounded by children fawning

for his refreshing NobblyBobbly's, he attempts to reverse out, but is unable

to. He cannot move without harming the children, and the only way out of the

spot without disaster, is to go through the park, where there are even more

kids playing frisbee and croquet. In his old age, Sami does not want any more

violence, so waits, accepting that he cannot move and act in the way he once

did. His fate has been sealed.

Flashback Khedira- Reborn is

the Tank. Praise be unto him.

In conclusion. Khedira is the dusty old book which you decided

to re-read after buying it 20 years ago, enjoying it, and committing it to

history on a shelf. It has aged, but with a bit of a spruce up, drags you back

to simpler times, when the world was only worried about a nuclear apocalypse.

If I may borrow but one more minute of your time, I want to recommend a Wuste to go with your Khedira. As a 4-4-2 user, I have found that the complimentary flavours of Michael Tonge goes perfectly with the Tank. Tonge is more like a Aston Martin, graceful, dashing, and oozing class. He is the sprinkle of magic that makes the team, and my life, just right.