Hello all, I hope your are surviving FIFA so far, this game has been dead for a while until today, so do not put the controller away just yet. This is a player that will change your perspective completely in both defending, attacking, and life as we know it. Dan Axel "JUMBO SHRIMP" Zagadou has returned with another banging card. This sex symbol of a player will not only scare all of the fragile meta cards of your opponent's team, but put a distinct image into your enemy's brain. Dan will tear through the flesh walls of your opposition's molecular grey matter, and leave a JUMBO SHRIMP-sized dent for life. Please use Dan carefully as the FIFA community will be braindead by 2 months if used excessively(not that the community isn't already ;)). As we know from last year, Dan has stats that may not look pleasing to the eye, however this is a pure deception from the con artists at EA. They do not want us to use him. They know how good he is. They are scared.
The community did not listen last year. There were and still are reliant followers of Dan, but not enough. There needs to be more. I need to see JUMBO SHRIMPS in FUT Champs. There is still time for change.
And onto the review of the demi-god himself. Big Zag can play in literally every position on the damned pitch. ST CB LWB you name it Zags got it in his Lizzo-sized locker. This versatile, sexy animal has done it all for me, to the point where I have become fully dependent on him. I consistently switch his position every 15 minutes in game to make sure my team doesn't become too top-heavy like Chelsea, or too bottom-heavy like Sommer Ray. DO NOT make me pick his best position or I will put you into a dark corner with the man himself and I tell you, he won't be gentle with you like beginner mode. Jumping into his stats, Dan has a wet and juicy 85 pace for starters and the first word that comes to mind is voluptuous. Those provocative legs are faster than me in bed. Slap a hunter on that bad boy and he has me foaming from the mouth. Not only is his shooting delicious without a chemstyle, but with that beloved hunter he contradicts God. Dan's dribbling is as clean as a two-footed, studs up slide tackle, but you got the ball. He is able to almost float past opposing defenders with ease, putting your team in constant goal scoring scenarios. Jumbo Shrimp's passing is as fluid as expired milk, but in a good way because you can just strain out the chunks and it's still edible :). Playing a pass with Dan is a waste of his potential, so you should either be circulating the entire play around him, or selling him to GGMU where all great potentials go to shit become great! Finally, Dan's defensive side. The truest forms of orgasms come from these stats. Dan is a wall. A pure nuisance when faced 1-on-1. Every single meta player will be head-first into the ground, eating dirt after stepping a foot near Zag. Whether it's his 99 strength, blessed from the Gods, or his 99 stand tackling, Dan has established himself as the greatest player in FUT for two years in a row.
If you may have noticed. Dan Axel Zagadou was out last year with a horrid ACL injury, one we know he is strong enough to recover from. Should I remind you of the date of his injury? January. Let me ask another rhetorical question: When did COVID-19 begin to spread around the world? January. Now I'm not saying Dan's unbalance in the world of football has caused a global pandemic, but I'm also not denying it. Cases peaked on days that Dan got re-injured. January, April, August...Does this sound like a fluke NOW? The followers of Dan need to do anything it takes to protect Dan from this appalling injury bug so that the world itself does not explode. It might be December but are in the endgame now. The world is at stake and we need a large enough group to save the world. I have to inform you fellow Jumbo Shrimpers, the ones who have remained in this beautiful cult family. We need a larger impact. We need to reach TikTok. I know. Very risky but the 12 year-old army are the ones that are most powerful in numbers. This needs to also reach basic instagram meme page level as that is also where the 12 year-olds hibernate. If you have been brought here, WE NEED YOU. Let Dan know we are here for him. Dan needs the most support to fully recover and save the world.
I feel like it's necessary to write a second poem for Dan.
- Dan has grown
- Dan has shown
- Dan will make my brother moan
- Dan is no loan
- Dan makes it known
- Dan makes me run out of words to use on rhymezone.
- Once again, Dan unfortunately cannot not be duplicated into each position at the same time.
- Dan has still not married either one of my parents (still hoping).
- The world is unfortunately still at risk (unless YOU make a difference).