Player Review

84 - SIF

5.0

The Dutch Demolisher 2.0

By George1234, 27-03-2019

EA. What have you done. I was but a mere youngling when the first inform of this card was graced to me, and after playing a single game I was gifted 5 goals, a rage quit, and a death threat. I felt my body go through puberty with every game, and by the time this card was I released, the first IF Weghorst was the sole cause for my lumberjack beard, and my parents divorce as they realised that my only idol in life would be Sir. Weghorst. With that being said, I was more eager to try this card out then a mentally deranged 16 year old American boy would be to take his brand new AR15 out for a spin on his bullies. As i purchased the card (which might I add is the SAME PRICE as his other in form) my playstation controller began to rumble and I received a pop up message from playstation begging me not to use him, but just like my malnourished 4 year old daughter, I ignored it, and jumped into a game.

And as soon as that beautiful man kicked the ball from kickoff a single tear rolled down my cheek as it dawned on me that I was about to completely obliterate all of my opponents, and this proved itself to be more than accurate.

I have played 20 games with this card, and I now have a permanent erection - I have explained the situation to my doctor, who has determined that this card is so unbelievably powerful that if handled incorrectly, the joy that Wout can provide a player can lead to such a fate, therefore while I would argue that every Fifa player must use this card, please proceed with caution.

6"6 81 SPRINT SPEED, 98 HEADING ACC. 93 JUMPING 96 STRENGTH 99 SHOT POWER (with HAWK) mean that Wout Weghorst has the physical attributes to embarrass a Gorilla on cocaine
Goal Kicks, Corners, Throw-ins and Free Kicks become a way to gain a huge advantage as it is actually not possible for him to lose a header
89 STAMINA and 99 POSITIONING ensure that, much like an Ethiopian drug mule, he will keep running until he reaches his destination, no questions asked
Given that somehow he is the same price as his previous IF, the value for money would give a Jewish investor a stiffy more impressive than an adult film star on a fistful of viagra pills
He is extremely attractive
If you lose a game with him, you can be 100% sure that you are the issue
The pleasure that is derived from a headed goal with this man far exceeds any other possible experience it is possible to have.

I cant message anyone anymore because I received so many death threats that my messaging system has stopped working
My pastor has excommunicated me from my local church, because I yelled that Wout was the one true God
Someone must have traced my IP, because when I arrived home yesterday, a brick had broken through my window and the message "STOP USING HIM, OR ELSE," had been written in what I presumed to be ketchup, but was actually the blood of my sister's husband.
There is unfortunately a cooldown period of 2 games every now and then where I have to stop playing him because otherwise I get reported to EA and my account will get banned
The card is perfect. Cons would be blasphemy, long live our lord and saviour W O U T

Formation: 4231

Position: ST

Games: 20

GPG: 2.80

APG: 0.30

5.0

Overall

5.0

Value

5.0

Stamina

Pace (9/10)

Shooting (10/10)

Passing (9/10)

Dribbling (10/10)

Defending (7/10)

Physicality (10/10)

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