Reviews

88 - Carniball

5.0

Gabriel Jesus – The Glitch from FIFA 17 returns

By Fiscerpool, 17-03-2019

Remember back in FIFA 17 – especially PS4 users – when there weren’t a million Icons available, SBC’s were something new and the only God you knew was Loïc Remy? Man, Loïc Remy was a God amongst men. 4*/4*, insane pace and strength plus back then all you had to do to score was tap the shooting button twice and shazam! A low driven would fire into the net. Those were the days.

Until the day Manchester City signed a young Brazilian with FIVE STAR SKILLS AND FOUR STAR WEAK FOOT. He was 78 rated, so how good could he be? Well, he was insane, he scored from everywhere and people rage sold their homes after playing 40 games in just one weekend all against Gabriel Jesus (and probably Loïc Remy as a sub).

Today Gabriel Jesus is equipped with a 3* weak foot. Or so it says. That is the biggest lie you’ll hear from now until someone tells you, there is no kick-off glitch. He does not have 3* weak foot, nor 4* star, not even 5* star weak foot, for that implies that there is some sort of WEAKNESS in his foot, which there plain and simple is not. Inside the box, it does not matter how you shoot or which body part you use, he will just score anyway. He is a glitch in a very glitchy game.

Apparently, the combination of 91 pace, 88 shooting and 91 dribbling were the exact things required in resurrecting Frankenstein’s Jesus Monster (no blasphemy intended). He is the reincarnation of his former beasty self we all loved and hated back in the days with no content (Movember in FUT 17 was amazing, though) and no spare time during the weekends.

I was a little concerned about his price – got him for 480 k on PS4 on Friday – but after he scored 19 goals in 14 games and made 8 assists (all FUT Champs) I must say I’m blown away. I’m in awe of this absolute machine.

Do not concern yourself with his price as he is worth every penny. But maybe wait until Fut Birthday, there is a chance he will drop in price. I do not care, though; I’m not selling him until… Until we get Flashback Loïc Remy.

....

Nah, won’t sell him by then either.

Pace. He is not Mbappe. But he is very fast. Acceleration is real.
Shooting. Well, that's the point. He just shoots through the keeper.
Dribling. Man the close control, he just skips through hords of legs.
Positioning. Very important. He is a predator in the box. Always in the right spot.
Passing. Didn't expect it but he makes some very decent passes in tight spaces.
Glitchy McGlitchface. He just have this annoying thing about him where everything he tries works out.
Strength. Don't know why, but he is strong. Scored a goal by outmuscling Sol Campbell. That was weird.
Stamina. In the 70th minute I like to bring on some fresh legs for Nedved, Hazard and... Yeah, that's it cause Jesus never gets tired.

Price. 500 k is always going be a lot. I think he is worth it, though.
Defending. I don't think he will do well as a centre back. Sorry to say.
Height and heading. He wins some headers but, yeah, he ain't Andy Carroll. Thank God.
According to his stats, longshots aren't great. Haven't scored one, but can't remember trying.

Formation: 4231

Position: ST

Games: 14

GPG: 1.36

APG: 0.57

5.0

Overall

4.5

Value

5.0

Stamina

Pace (9/10)

Shooting (10/10)

Passing (8/10)

Dribbling (9/10)

Defending (5/10)

Physicality (8/10)

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